I'm Steel Here

Cancer Update (Week of 12/9)

I know very little about actress and singer Tisha Campbell. Essentially, I only know two things: she looks like Trisha Paytas and there’s a legendary performance of her (only?) song titled Steel Here on Good Day LA circa 2016.

From the first seconds of confusion about the song’s title—yes, it is Steel Here—to the little smile she gives while looking down the barrel of the camera at me, the viewer, to the dance breakdown at 1:09, to the backup dancers being told by the newscasters to get off the floor once the performance is done, the whole thing is a certified Matt K classic. The seriousness and silliness of which Tisha Campbell performs this song (which is actually pretty tragic, but at this point almost completely devoid of all context) brings me back to it every time. You get the feeling she’s so happy that she’s overcome her troubles and made it here to tell the tale, that she has no choice but to celebrate by hitting the dougie on a daytime television performance. I can relate, because at the end of the day I’m Steel Here, smiling and shimmying for the viewers of my very own Good Day LA broadcast that I call Ma’s Basement.

I went through chemo treatment #5 of 6 this week. Strangely enough, I’m not feeling that horrible. I’m having trouble sleeping (benzos aren’t hitting like they used to…) and there’s a black pit of tar where the internal organ formerly known as “stomach” used to be, but I have far more energy now than I did at most points throughout the last three weeks. I’m not sure why; maybe this is just placebo because I’m excited to be done, or maybe this is some sort of delayed reaction. It’s almost a little too good, like I keep having to look above me to make sure a grand piano isn’t seconds away from falling from the sky and onto my unsuspecting bald skull. At this point, I’ve not even going to question things and just be happy for any good days.

I was told that the side effect of hair falling out would stop after 2-3 treatments, but at cycle five I still have hairs dropping like it’s day one. My eyebrows and lashes are starting to look sparse, with the chemo drugs fighting not only against my cancer cells, but also against my strong Algerian roots. Slowly but surely, the chemo is winning against both opponents. Cancer may have taken my hair, and my pride, and my job, and my entire bank account, and my stunning looks, and the feeling in my hands, and my strength, and my joie de vivre, but it won’t take my…..my…..uhhhhh. Well, it won’t take my life! Which is really all that matters.

On the topic of being thankful, I am happy to be home around the holidays. I’m thankful for small things that feel major to me, like being in Michigan for the first snow of the season, or being home for the best Lions season in history with nothing to do but be extremely tapped in. I maybe wouldn’t choose these circumstances over, say, living my normal life as it was before, but if I’m going to be here, at least I have some nice things to look forward to. Five treatments down, one to go. The echoing voice of Tisha Campbell reminds me—I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m Steel Heaaa!

Feel good song of the week: